Trials and a Pair of Feet

Walkin' up the shoreline
I came across a wall.
I tried to climb it,
I had been invited to climb it,
but each time that I made an attempt
my nails kept scraping as I slid
back down the wall

Will there ever be a day that things will just go right?
I tried to teach Russian when I earned my degree 30 years ago. But there were no Russian teaching positions. So I traveled- all over the world. And each place that I moved to, I would look into the local programs, but there never were any open and available.

It's such a shame that the world keeps fighting, and not listening to one another.

When we need the diplomacy, there are just more new barbed words. ie- When we need languages like Russian to be taught in our schools, they just keep teaching, or attempting to teach, the basics. It's the dumbying down of our students. They don't even want to learn. They just want to learn how to pass the class. All because the system is broken, and all these tests are required to leave no one behind. And in effect, they leave many behind.

It's really very sad.

So I've applied for a position with a new local school for the arts, opening next teaching year. Of course they want Spanish and French. But, the kids don't even want to be there. It's such a shame.

So, I unexpectedly had the ear of the new principal, one phonecall, and offered to try to sway him to have Russian taught in his school.I applied by the Dec. 1st deadline. The next stage was a copy of my teaching certificate.

Well, When we moved into this house 3 years ago, there was a problem with our office. It was musty smelling. It took a long time, phone calls, promises, air quality inspectors, Attorney Generals office conversations and letters, and finally the builder made good. The problem had been from day one, and they were obligated, but because of the housing slump, did not want to deliver. They still have other items on our punch list to deliver. We've worked away the hardest, and more costly, and are still working on the basics like hot water heater...

So our office did not get set up 'til this fall. It's finished, but our paperwork is not.

So I could not locate my original teaching certificate. Things had gotten so moved around, so many times... So I had to write them about this situation,of which I was none too pleased . Well, in the meantime, I contacted my university, then NY State. Problem is, they have only 4 people working in archives in Albany, and you can never get through. !!!!! What a rig-a-ma-role!!!

So you can never reach them by telephone, email, or fax- and they never answer you. Well, I finally did get through, but all has to be done on line. I had to wait for them to locate my papers. They called me back that they had, and to form a account on-line to process the request.

EXCEPT, WHEN IT CAME TO PAYING, THE PAGE SAID 'SYSTEM ERROR' TRY AGAIN IN A FEW MINUTES. Yet, hours later , and many attempts later, produced only the same System Error! page. Get my drift? Well, try as I may, I was unable to contact them. Tried faxing, emailing, nothing.

Then one day last week, I was in my basement. Having gone through about 80 boxes, I decided to try looking again in places where I had already looked.

The first box I looked, there was a file folder, labeled, COLLEGE INFO. Of course I'd been through the whole file. But, being that I tend to be a bit organized, I knew that I would never just put such an important item just anywhere. And so I pulled out a file paper clipped, with a little piece of paper numbered 1 to about 16. I looked through the papers, and found the innocuous blue nothing page, with a copy of it right after it.

But , no, dear reader, I did not scream, as one who knew me might think. I then looked at the list on the front, and there , quite clearly, was written at number 12, teaching certificate qualification and copy.

Well, the story, you might think gets easier here. But, alas, no. That would be way tooooooo easy.So I emailed it, and a foreign language teacher assoc. membership card, to all concerned. I wanted to make sure that someone would get it. Things seem to stay around in these offices, as I've experienced, without anyone putting two and two together, to move things along.

Anywho, not minutes later, but days later, like today and Fri. night- I received a failure notice. Well, actually TWO of them!!!!! And this was to the main person. Now, unless her email has changed...So, I guess that I'm hand delivering and sending them.

I just cried this morning when I saw them. You see, I just want some things off my plate, so I can have fun and do art. When things hang on my shoulders, the weight just keeps getting heavier with each day, and I feel like it would be just too hard to pull everything out.

So I cried out that I was broken. I GIVE UP !!!!! I asked God to just have them let me know that they don't want me for the position, instead of this 'jerking around' of events. It is just toooo draining.

You see, my hubby is getting re-scanned as we speak, for his stage 4 lung cancer, and I'm tired of being on antibiotics for this acute, chronic, and co-infections of LYME. And after walking the Big DC Flea on Saturday, a little area in my lower back, where there is a 'fatty tumor' is aching. Nothing to write home about, but another thing to worry about 'til my Wed. Dr's. appt.. I'm thankful that I am way better. But I am really tired of being on antibiotics for over a year and a half, and want my body back.

Don't get me wrong, God has been very good to me and to us. It has been very hard financially, but I have always been able to reverse medical issues quickly. And I don't get sick when the kids do... I heal very well.

I want to feel like the other shoe won't drop off any minute. Oh, I know that there are people worse off than me. I have my children, my husband is working, but I feel much pressure to earn money. I do earn, but it's certainly not enough to pay the mortgage and then some.

Am I being selfish to try and spend time to do art? Am I being selfish to want to earn money with it? I do shows, used to have a few shops-didn't do badly with them either. Kept earning more, and having a great time. I feel , at times, that I should just throw everything out... But, then, I just can't.I feel that I have to create. Been doing it since I was so young. It would be like throwing away a huge part of me.

But, I'm in another place now. We've moved, and the area and economy are just not conducive to having a shop here. Just not yet.

OK- Pity party is done.(Well, on this blog at least). I'm sorry. Don't mean to burden anyone. That's the last thing that I would want to do. Just want to scream sometimes. EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!!!!

There. That feels better. And my tears have stopped. My hubby got a tearful phone call of me giving up. By the time that he called me, I was over it. Just venting a little more here. I'm really not a woos. Some might say that I was very strong. Only, I just don't feel that way lately. And , I just don't want to be broken.

xo Lydia

PS - Ok- I have to make myself smile after that poor me rant. The picture above is labeled' Muzhiki otdikhayut'- The guys relaxing. It's my brother in Russia who sent the picture. I originally thought that it was him and his son, but my brother doesn't drink beer. Isn't it just darling?

PPS- What do you do to justify the artwork , when you feel that all is going against the grain? (If you ever feel that way).